The Essence of Love

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"Olive Us" and Positive Familial Interactions

Meet the Blair children of the new short film series "Olive Us."

According to the FAQ's, Olive Us "will encourage your family to get up and do or make or move... We aim to show healthy, happy relationships between siblings. We sometimes feel worn down by the super-sarcastic dialogue we hear on shows aimed at kids — especially between brothers and sisters. We want to share a more positive take." I love this, and I am excited to see what they come up with. You can view the first episode here.

To be whole:

Last night I had an amazing conversation and I wanted to share some of it with you. The woman I was speaking with had been married for about 20 years to (what sounds like) a compulsive liar. It was a draining relationship for her, but she is so happy now. She is free and learning to love the world around her again.

I then shared some of my own story with her, some of what I have been working through lately. She then said "Someday you will find a man who will love you no matter what. Even when you are having an 'off' day, he will still see you as whole."

Whole.

What a beautiful thought. Here is a woman who has had her heart betrayed so terribly, but she still has hope. There is someone out there for everyone, and in the meantime, we can keep learning and growing from the relationships that don't quite work out.

Side note: don't rush into things. I think she would have wanted me to say that as well. Trust me, this woman knows her stuff.

on conquering bad habits

A little while ago I wrote about my bad habit and dare I say addiction to watching TV. It was out of control and honestly, taking over important parts of my life. I needed to change but was unsure where to start. Over the last few months, little articles and things have been making their way into my life, leaving marks and giving me ideas and courage to live my life with intention and purpose. It has been hard but the benefits have been very obvious. I wanted to share some ideas of things that have helped me.

+I watched this talk about how tv affects our brains and the development of children's brains. Millie wasn't watching a lot of TV by herself or anything but I always had something on in the background. This really made me think about what it could be doing to her development and how I have the power to spend more quality time with her.

+I read this and this about turning off all the noise and distractions and finding time for the things we love. This was difficult. Being a stay at home mom with a child who can't really talk to me gets a little lonely. I constantly had the radio/Pandora on or something on Netflix playing in the background just to make me feel a little less isolated. When I tried to turn off the noise for at least a few hours during the day my head started to clear up and I found that Millie was talking to me. I can't understand a word of her baby jibberish but that jibberish has meaning to her. So now, without all the distractions of TV, music, phones, we have our own little conversations.

Those things really laid the ground work for me. Then it was time to take action.

+I decided that I would not turn on the computer until Millie went down for her first nap, usually around noon. That can be a long time to entertain a child so I put more of an effort in going to our neighborhood work out (I have lost weight because of it too, another plus) or to take Millie on a walk. She is very observant so the walks are fun for her and me, along with the sunshine and fresh air that we are both in need of.

+When I was little and I would be scared of something or have bad thoughts, my mom taught me to push those bad thoughts out by replacing it with something happy. So... instead of just not watching anything and being drowned by the quite while I was doing the dishes or cleaning, I turned music on. Now, I know that I said before that I tried to turn all the distractions off. What I meant was that instead of always having some sort of noise in the house, to let there be some time of just our noise (talking, laughing, singing, reading). But during those times when I am most tired and worn out, I tried to fill it with something fun, like good music to dance to or that uplifts. (My favorite radio stations on Pandora are Rachel Portman Radio, Disney Radio, St. Vincent Radio, Ingrid Michaelson Radio, and Beirut Radio.) This made it so that I didn't have to feel so lonely and tired at the hardest time of day (the hour before Billy gets home and I am working on dinner and Millie just wants me to hold her and I just really want to sit on the couch and eat ice cream).

+With the same idea, I tried to not just veg out in front of the TV. I tried to make sure that, at least a couple of nights a week I veg out with a good book. Much more pleasant.

+Interesting enough, when I started to be more aware of what I was doing throughout the day, it has made the night time easier. I have not stayed up for hours by myself watching silly TV shows like I was. I feel more satisfied throughout the day, having spent quality time making Millie laugh and playing in the dirt with her, and more time talking and just being with Billy. I have not been overwhelmed with the need to veg out for hours upon hours while the world peacefully slept.. (Maybe a couple hours but not until 2am like it was before.)

I don't want you to think that I think I have it all figured out and that you should do exactly what I do. Different things work for different people. Millie still watches Dora when I just can't take the whining anymore and I have to get something done. I stayed up until midnight last night watching Pollyanna (I love that movie). But the point in all of this is that I believe we can change. It has hard and takes  time (sometimes our whole lives) but we can take those bad habits and turn them into good ones. Now I am a much happier mother, a more attentive wife, and more satisified in this great life that I have been given.

What things work for you?

The Regret.

by gary barnes

Maybe it's the fact that I'm a family science major, or that I'm attending a domestic violence counselor training program this month, or that I've been dating a bit. But relationships have been on my mind. Specifically, the matter of regrets.

I haven't always been the best girlfriend ever. I mean, nothing huge: I may have fibbed to a guy once to get out of the inevitable first kiss, and then that one time I dated my ex-boyfriend's roommate. Whoops.

But despite everything, my one regret remains the same: I didn't keep the quiet details of my relationship with X between just me and X.

Since learning about "love languages," (side note: I'm no expert, I just took the quiz in the back of the book), I now know that the problem was that I gave and received love differently than X received and gave love. But at the time, it wasn't laid out so nicely for me to see. All I knew was that I didn't always feel his affection, and it broke me up inside.

And then I complained to his sister about it.

There's a scientific term for that, and I could go look through my old school notes and find it, but I think you get the gist. If a couple is fighting, they shouldn't be revealing all those petty details to friends, neighbors, relatives, acquaintances. No good. (Unless it turns violent-- whether emotionally, sexually, physically, anything-- then please get help from an outside source). I learned this too late, and boy, did I give myself a big head smack in the middle of that college lecture.

So, Boyfriend X, I'm sorry that I was so terrible. I'm grateful that I was able to learn from this, but I'm regretful for dragging you into it. I wish I had known earlier how to care for our relationship as I should have.

Links:
Center for Young Women's Health: Healthy Relationship Guide
Promoting Healthy Relationships & Preventing Teen Dating Violence
Women's Health: "The #1 Time to Have His Back"

Breaking Up and Creative Outlets

The first thing I noticed when I looked at the final tracklisting for my new EP? Just how many songs were influenced by men, or have references to former relationships in them. The "man with the silver eyes" in one of the songs? I can tell you exactly who that is. The final track, "The Slow Goodbye"? Written in the autumn of 2009, following a break up. And I assure you, I'm not the only one who finds a creative outlet for these sort of things.

Until early 2011, Leslie Feist was dating Broken Social Scene's Kevin Drew. In September 2011 she released her album Metals. There is an underlying darkness to the whole thing, with little jabs sweetly crooning out of Feist's mouth..."A good man and a good woman, can't find the good in each other..."

From 2008-2011, Florence Welch (of "Florence and the Machine") was in a relationship with a man named Stuart. Their first breakup fueled her 2009 album "Lungs," while their most recent breakup fueled 2011's "Ceremonials." In the latter, there are songs of devastation ("What the Water Gave Me") and of triumph ("Shake It Out"). It is clear that this was Florence's creative outlet, and my goodness, it did her good.

Check out Florence's performance of "No Light, No Light" at the 2012 BRIT Awards.

How do you work through a breakup?

Info for DV Victims

"Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone that you love and think loves you in return." 

- California Senator Dianne Feinstein

Over the next few weeks, I'll be participating in a domestic violence counselor training program. In turn, I wanted to pass some information onto you, faithful blog readers. I hope that these few bits of information will come in handy if, heaven forbid, you ever find yourself or a friend in the grasp of domestic violence.

Victims of domestic violence come from all age groups, religions, ethnicities, socioeconomic levels, sexual orientations... no one is exempt. Below is a common model used in identifying certain aspects of domestic violence.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, it is important to remember that it is not your fault. It's also important to remember that help is available.

One of the most basic precautions you can take is to develop a safety plan. It doesn't require any drastic changes immediately, but it is a plan that helps you be prepared if the situation takes a turn for the worst. The RAINN organization offers a great outline here to help you make a safety plan.

Here are some 24-hour emergency hotlines to take note of:

San Diego, CA:
YWCA: 619-234-3164
San Diego DV Hotline: (888) DV-LINKS / (888) 385-4657


Salt Lake City, UT:
Utah Department of Human Services: 800-897-5465


Provo, UT:
Center for Women and Children in Crisis: 801-377-5500


National: The Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

habits

I suffer from bad habits.

You know like eating ‘til I am so full I am going to be sick… then eating some more. Or not hanging my clothes up at the end of the day. (I know it is so easy and yet they still land on the floor.) Then there are things like fidgeting when I am nervous or procrastinating. I know these things make me miserable and yet I find myself reverting back to those habits day after day.

One habit in particular has really been casting a shadow over my life.

At eight in the evening, after we have tucked Millie into her bed and she is fast asleep, Billy and I usually relax and watch something on Netflicks. Modern Family, Psych. Something funny. We just kind of veg. It is nice. Eventually Billy falls asleep and there I am, left completely alone. No one to worry about (although I check on Millie multiple times) but me. I continue watching. And watching. Time ticks away, my eye lids begin to droup. But there I sit, forcing my eyes to keep watching. The world falls asleep and I am stuck in a trance watching old TV shows that mock people like me. I tell myself “Just one more episode” every time. EVERY.TIME. Finally when I can stand it no longer, I sneak into the bedroom and slide quietly next to Billy. I pray he won’t wake up because I don’t want to tell him how late it is and how I wasted perfectly good sleeping time to watch people who aren’t even real.

If you want a general statement of this bad habit I would have to say it is a lack of self control. I know that what I am doing makes me miserable, makes me a tired, neglectful mother and wife, and does nothing to fulfill me but I do it anyway. When I ask myself why I do it I lean towards explanations like “It is the only time I have to be alone, without the prospect of the child waking up or someone knocking at my door. It is all me.”

But does that really justify it? Does it justify how tired I am the next day, how unmotivated it makes me in my life, how it takes away from going to bed with Billy, which I love?

No. Indeed it does not.

So how do I change it? How do I take control of my life and say “GO TO BED AT A DECENT HOUR YOU FOOL?”

I feel like for our next book club I need to choose a good motivating book. Then I can talk it over with some others and maybe I will actually start making some changes.

And getting more sleep.

What do you do to get rid of those habits that eat at your soul?

Do you have any favorite books that help?

A post about dating, with a mention of my menstrual cycle.

Over the last month, I have decided to be more social, and surprisingly, I have stayed true to that goal. That's right. Forcing myself out of the house. Being around other people. Doing stuff. You know, like all the normal 20-something's out there are doing. Socializing. And I'm actually enjoying it quite a bit, which is a huge plus.

Which brings me to a CliffNotes version of my recent rather odd dating ventures (or lack thereof):

Part 1: The handsome but deceivingly youthful 41-year-old man who asked for my phone number. Tall-dark-and-handsome, but just a smidge too old for me. And when I say "smidge," I mean a firm decade too old.

Part 2: Then came my declaration to control my own destiny! Spend time with who I want to spend time with! To not limit myself to a man who could technically be my father (in a teen-pregnancy sort of situation). Why wait for someone to make a move when I could just initiate that friendship myself?

Part 3: Just for fun, (and in a thrill of feminist-style whimsy), I ask an acquaintance if he'd like to join me for in-n-out burgers the next night, to which he awkwardly and unenthusiastically agrees to. Turns out he has his eye on one specific girl, but doesn't want to seriously date anyone (?), mumbles some other stuff, then I promptly cancel the date. He may be looking for marriage, but I am definitely not. Therefore, our friendship was just slaughtered before it even started. Bummer.

Part 4: I wake up the next morning feeling low. The "can't get out of bed" kind of low. Just blah. Then I re-call the night before and I feel a slight blow to my confidence.

Part 5: I started my period! Legitimate explanation for the morning lows!

Part 6: That night, I get asked out on a date by a cute guy. Confidence back up!

That's where I'm at right now. I wish I could have had that illustrated, like a children's book. It may have made it more thrilling for the reader.

P.S. The 41-year-old man who looks like he's only 30 (most likely due to his tall-dark-and-handsome foreigner genes)? Rumor has it that he's looking for a young wife to give him bunches of kiddies (most likely due to his tall-dark-and-handsome foreigner customs). Deal breaker. No, thank you.