"Choosing Happiness" and Clinical Depression

photo by gary barnes

I've heard it a billion times: you have to merely decide to be happy and then you will be. I wanted to agree. I wanted to be on that rosy colored boat with those happy people, loving life, feeling good, but it was a concept that I couldn't fully grasp. I knew that there was a deeper reason why true happiness appeared just out of reach for me. So I remained on the shoreline and let that boat go on without me.

But as time has gone on, and as I have experienced different depths of depression-- and in turn, tried different ways to pull myself out of that depression-- I realize that I can still choose happiness, in a way. There are just a few more steps involved in that process.

(Continue reading after the jump)

Resources for Understanding and Recognizing Depression

Today I co-presented a class on clinical depression to a group of ladies from my church. It turned into more of a discussion, which is just what we wanted. I loved being a part of it.

If you were not able to attend, worry not! Here are some of the resources I shared with the class. (Note: Some are from a Latter-day Saint/Christian perspective. Keep in mind, these are things I shared in a church setting, so you are welcome to ignore them if you want to stick with secular resources. The more religious resources will have a URL beginning with lds.org, or will come from the Ensign or New Era magazines).

General Resources:

-       “Mental Illness: In Search of Understanding and Hope” by Jan Underwood Pinborough. Ensign, February 1989.

-       “Myths about Mental Illness” by Alexander B. Morrison. Ensign, October 2005.

-       “Bipolar Disorder: My Lessons in Love, Hope, and Peace.” Ensign, January 2009.

-       “On Kindness” by C. Jane Kendrick.

For Parents:

-       “When Your Child is Depressed” by Sean E. Brotherson. Ensign, August 2004.

-       Teen Depression: A Guide for Parents and Teachers.

                 

Young Adult Resources:

-       “I Almost Lost My Sister.” New Era, August 2008.

-       Half of Us. I highly highly highly recommend this site for educating youth and young adults about depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and PTSD, both for themselves, and how to help those around them.

-       “The Anxiety Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Deal with Anxiety and Worry” by Lisa Schab LCSW. Available through Amazon.com, $10.17.

-       “Beyond the Blues: A Workbook to Help Teens Overcome Depression” by Lisa Schab LCSW. Available through Amazon.com, $10.17.

-       “Stopping the Pain: A Workbook for Teens Who Cut and Self Injure” by Lawrence Shapiro PhD. Available through Amazon.com, $11.53.

-       “The Anger Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Deal with Anger and Frustration” by Raychelle Lohmann MS LPC. Available on Amazon.com, $10.85.*

(Note: I have not personally used these workbooks, but they have received great reviews on Amazon.com, and look like a very positive and cost-effective resource).

Natural Solutions:

-       Evaluate (and alter, if needed) your diet and exercise habits.

-       Herbal remedies for depression include SAM-e, 5-HTP and St. John’s Wort.

-       It is wise to work with a healthcare professional to establish healthy lifestyle habits and to determine which medication/herbal supplement is best for you. But it is also very important to listen to the Spirit and your own body.

*A woman attending the class also recommended checking out the National Alliance on Mental Illness, or NAMI. It seems like a valuable resource, though I haven't had a chance to look at it much right now.

Feel free to add any other resources you have discovered in the comments below. Thank you!

Resources: Stay Strong + HalfofUs.com

Last night I found some links that I wanted to pass on to you, primarily more information about depression and other similar conditions.

Demi Lovato's "Stay Strong," where she addresses her struggles with healthy eating, depression, self-harm, substance abuse, and ultimately rehab. (Yes, I got to it through Perez Hilton. Whatever works). Regardless of whether or not you have struggled with any of these issues, this is a very inspiring documentary for all women. If you have a few minutes, you should definitely watch it.

In the middle of the videos, there was a link for halfofus.com. I wish everyone knew about this campaign. If you have even a minute to spare, please jump on the website and watch even a single PSA. So many people don't understand depression, and therefore don't know how to help those around them, or even themselves. I believe this campaign is essential in increasing the public's understanding of these issues.

Healing

You probably know this already, but I'm a musician. I used to play in a folk band a few years ago, and now I've taken up music again as a solo artist. Many of you also probably know that I have suffered from severe depression. One of my resolutions this year was to be more honest about that.* Whereas before I would seamlessly hide behind a mask of happiness and wellness, I am telling you straight: I have struggled with depression, I still struggle with depression, and even though you can't always see it, it's there. And I'm not the only one who suffers this way.

Luckily, something productive sometimes results from these bouts of depression. Usually for me, that something is in the form of music.

There are lyrics from this compilation of songs that capture exactly where I was in my darkest moments, and in some cases, where I still am.

Can you feel the winter war? Broken branches, shattered core.
Will you love me though the scars echo willows?


But as the lyrics turned to songs, and the songs turned to recordings with some of my favorite people at my side, I felt the beauty surface from those broken branches, that shattered core.

And then as my dear brother took a sort of "press photo" for me, he captured it perfectly. He captured those feelings, but also the quiet beauty of healing.

I will never be completely rid of depression, but as I pursue those things that bring me even the slightest bit of comfort, I can find healing.


*Other posts include this and this.

Help!

[hard day in 2010, picture drawn by sweet cousin ellisa to cheer me up]

I've been a little "off" this week. I've been self-conscious, needy, emotional. Even tiny problems seem monumental. I've been wading around in this thick sludge of helplessness.

Last night I finally acknowledged the fact that something wasn't right. Then I realized that just three weeks earlier, I had thrown away my beloved container of birth control pills, swearing never to go back. And now, for the first time in years, I am experiencing the emotional effects of premenstrual syndrome, or PMS.

I started taking birth control in 2009. It was glorious. The particular prescription I had allowed me to only experience a period once every three months. Whereas previously, I had mentally and emotionally not felt like myself for literally half of every month, I now only briefly experienced any of those symptoms. Menstruating was a breeze. I was myself again, not just two weeks out of every month, but nearly 4 weeks every month, practically 12 months every year. It was like re-uniting with an old friend, and she was fantastic!

I don't know if it was the longing for normalcy (yes, even in the normalcy of having a period once every month), or a growing cockiness of being able to handle my emotions relatively well, but I decided to get off of the birth control. One less expense, one less chemical. And what's the worse that could happen?

Blog readers, there is so much that I wanted to tell you all week. Information from my domestic violence counselor training classes, sentiments about the wonderful people around me, pictures of my day-to-day excursions. But for the life of me, I couldn't get on here and write. I contemplated it a couple times, but passed the opportunity by every time. How could I tell you how I felt if I couldn't even figure out myself how I felt?

Last night, I told my brother I was scared. My period has shown no physical signs of arriving, but already my heart and mind are gone. He lovingly assured me that I would be okay, then brought his exercise bike out to the living room for me to use. Hormone regulation through physical exercise. He's a smart guy.

So this morning I hopped on the bike for a few minutes, stretched a bit, did some crunches, etc. Then I couldn't decide what to eat for breakfast, so I had a Diet Coke. Baby steps, folks. Baby steps. (Also, do as I say, not as I do). I love being a woman, but goodness, sometimes womanhood is a beast.

How do you handle out of control hormones? Because really, I need help.