Grace

I don't believe in black and white. I believe that we all have had something in our past, or will have something in our past, that defines who we will become, the path we choose to go down, and even defines how people will see us.


If the world were black and white, the labels that I would be stuck with would shatter me. I wouldn't be able to progress. I wouldn't be able to become. I am grateful for my past, for my hardships, for any ounce of pain I have experienced, because it makes me who I am today.


I don't know much about the "People of the Second Chance" campaign, but the concept is inspiring.

From their website: "We are a global community of activists, imperfectionists and second chancers committed to unleashing radical grace everyday, in every moment, for everyone. We challenge the common misconceptions about failure and success and stand with those who have hit rock bottom in their personal and professional lives. We are a community that is committed to stretch ourselves in the areas of relational forgiveness, personal transparency and advocate for mercy over judgment."

I believe in all of those things. Wholeheartedly. And if nothing else, this campaign has caused me to reflect a bit more on my own labels, the ones I put on myself, and perhaps on others. It has strengthened my resolve to love others unconditionally, and to allow the concept of grace into mine and others' lives.


How have your trials shaped your life? Feel free to comment here, or shoot us an e-mail (allisonabarnes [at] gmail [dot] com). We'd love to hear from you.

Interview: Fat-Activist Jenn Leyva

I'm a huge proponent of modesty. I prefer baggy over tight, no midriff over exposed, long jeans over daisy dukes. I believe that the human body is sacred, and should be treated as such.

And even more so, modesty hides my belly pooch. Win-win.

But when I found out that an old friend of mine, Jenn Leyva, had become quite a prominent "fat activist," primarily through her blog "Fat and the Ivy," but also in outlets like the Huffington Post, I decided that honesty may override modesty in this case. Maybe I should be honest with my belly pooch and love it for what it is! (I'm cringing at the thought. Obviously I'm not there yet).

Friends, brace yourselves. Today we will be talking about our bodies.

photo by liz naiden

I recently sat down with Jenn to ask her some questions about her work as a "fat activist." Here is what she had to say:

Interview after the jump:

A Family Tree

A couple weeks ago, I won a giveaway on a blog, which was basically the most exciting moment of my life. But beyond that, the product I won was mesmerizingly beautiful, so it was even more exciting. I present to you, my family tree:

It has my brother and I, my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and great-great grandparents. I love it so much, as does my entire family. We are finding a frame for it now, and it will hang in my family's new cabin in the mountains to make it more of a home.

One of the best things about the family tree, though, is it's completely customizable. I did five generations, but you can do as many as you want. You can have as few as 7 names, and as many as 45 names (maybe even more!). You tell Wendy what you want, and she has the magic to make it happen.

Check out Stem & Leaf's Etsy page for more info!

In a related note: if you have never looked into your family history before, I highly encourage you to start. You will be addicted. I love it. And to get you started, simply google image search "pedigree chart." One step further? Check out the largest free genealogical search, FamilySearch.

Healing

You probably know this already, but I'm a musician. I used to play in a folk band a few years ago, and now I've taken up music again as a solo artist. Many of you also probably know that I have suffered from severe depression. One of my resolutions this year was to be more honest about that.* Whereas before I would seamlessly hide behind a mask of happiness and wellness, I am telling you straight: I have struggled with depression, I still struggle with depression, and even though you can't always see it, it's there. And I'm not the only one who suffers this way.

Luckily, something productive sometimes results from these bouts of depression. Usually for me, that something is in the form of music.

There are lyrics from this compilation of songs that capture exactly where I was in my darkest moments, and in some cases, where I still am.

Can you feel the winter war? Broken branches, shattered core.
Will you love me though the scars echo willows?


But as the lyrics turned to songs, and the songs turned to recordings with some of my favorite people at my side, I felt the beauty surface from those broken branches, that shattered core.

And then as my dear brother took a sort of "press photo" for me, he captured it perfectly. He captured those feelings, but also the quiet beauty of healing.

I will never be completely rid of depression, but as I pursue those things that bring me even the slightest bit of comfort, I can find healing.


*Other posts include this and this.

Help!

[hard day in 2010, picture drawn by sweet cousin ellisa to cheer me up]

I've been a little "off" this week. I've been self-conscious, needy, emotional. Even tiny problems seem monumental. I've been wading around in this thick sludge of helplessness.

Last night I finally acknowledged the fact that something wasn't right. Then I realized that just three weeks earlier, I had thrown away my beloved container of birth control pills, swearing never to go back. And now, for the first time in years, I am experiencing the emotional effects of premenstrual syndrome, or PMS.

I started taking birth control in 2009. It was glorious. The particular prescription I had allowed me to only experience a period once every three months. Whereas previously, I had mentally and emotionally not felt like myself for literally half of every month, I now only briefly experienced any of those symptoms. Menstruating was a breeze. I was myself again, not just two weeks out of every month, but nearly 4 weeks every month, practically 12 months every year. It was like re-uniting with an old friend, and she was fantastic!

I don't know if it was the longing for normalcy (yes, even in the normalcy of having a period once every month), or a growing cockiness of being able to handle my emotions relatively well, but I decided to get off of the birth control. One less expense, one less chemical. And what's the worse that could happen?

Blog readers, there is so much that I wanted to tell you all week. Information from my domestic violence counselor training classes, sentiments about the wonderful people around me, pictures of my day-to-day excursions. But for the life of me, I couldn't get on here and write. I contemplated it a couple times, but passed the opportunity by every time. How could I tell you how I felt if I couldn't even figure out myself how I felt?

Last night, I told my brother I was scared. My period has shown no physical signs of arriving, but already my heart and mind are gone. He lovingly assured me that I would be okay, then brought his exercise bike out to the living room for me to use. Hormone regulation through physical exercise. He's a smart guy.

So this morning I hopped on the bike for a few minutes, stretched a bit, did some crunches, etc. Then I couldn't decide what to eat for breakfast, so I had a Diet Coke. Baby steps, folks. Baby steps. (Also, do as I say, not as I do). I love being a woman, but goodness, sometimes womanhood is a beast.

How do you handle out of control hormones? Because really, I need help.

sails

She stood in the storm

and when the wind

did not blow her way,

she adjusted her sails.

~Elizabeth Edwards




(Happy International Women's Day! We love you all and are grateful for the inspiration of the strong, loving women around us!)

Info for DV Victims

"Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone that you love and think loves you in return." 

- California Senator Dianne Feinstein

Over the next few weeks, I'll be participating in a domestic violence counselor training program. In turn, I wanted to pass some information onto you, faithful blog readers. I hope that these few bits of information will come in handy if, heaven forbid, you ever find yourself or a friend in the grasp of domestic violence.

Victims of domestic violence come from all age groups, religions, ethnicities, socioeconomic levels, sexual orientations... no one is exempt. Below is a common model used in identifying certain aspects of domestic violence.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, it is important to remember that it is not your fault. It's also important to remember that help is available.

One of the most basic precautions you can take is to develop a safety plan. It doesn't require any drastic changes immediately, but it is a plan that helps you be prepared if the situation takes a turn for the worst. The RAINN organization offers a great outline here to help you make a safety plan.

Here are some 24-hour emergency hotlines to take note of:

San Diego, CA:
YWCA: 619-234-3164
San Diego DV Hotline: (888) DV-LINKS / (888) 385-4657


Salt Lake City, UT:
Utah Department of Human Services: 800-897-5465


Provo, UT:
Center for Women and Children in Crisis: 801-377-5500


National: The Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Repost: A Virtuous Woman

Who can find a virtuous woman, II

by Louise Parker (from here)

I love the proverb of the virtuous woman. The woman described is so contrary to modern culture, but so perfectly admirable. And the terms to describe her are also, in fact, quite contrary to modern culture, but again, so perfectly admirable. And a little confusing.

"She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands." ...while perusing the women's clothing at Target?

"She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar." ...a far-mer's market? 

"She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens." ...and when it says meat, it really means frosted shredded wheat with 1% milk, right?

Despite some confusion, and some contradictions to the occasionally less-than-praiseworthy lifestyle that I obviously lead (yes, cereal is my primary food group), there are some universal truths to a virtuous woman mentioned in these passages:

"Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come." - You can't put this sister down! She's the ultimate optimist!

"She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness." - She's super nice to everybody! She also probably hosts great dinner parties with stimulating conversation.

In a world that constantly tries to put women down, or make us think that we're too smart, not smart enough, not curvy enough, not thin enough, and just not enough, the proverb of "How to find a virtuous woman" can teach some real lessons. Read it, pray about it, and decide what kind of a woman you want to be. No, you don't have to wake up before dawn to slaughter a pig and make some bacon for your household and all of your extended relatives who live within a 10 mile radius (in fact, you will never find me doing that, ever). But there are still some beautiful lessons and some valuable virtues to be found in this proverb. And for the men: what kind of woman do you want to call "yours"?

Related thoughts: My aunt's blog post about the Photoshop Diet, and another post of mine, "Learning that I am an 8 Cow Wife." Enjoy!


(This essay was originally posted here).

The necessity of loving yourself.

photo by gary barnes

I really do believe that womanhood is beautiful. I believe that a woman who has overcome a challenge is exceptionally beautiful, as is a bloated pregnant woman, a determined business woman, a I-haven't-showered-in-a-week mother-of-five, just about any woman. And men, too. People are beautiful. That's why my university studies are pointing me to a career in social services. And that's why I began the We Are Women Project, to celebrate the fact that we are beautiful individuals.

But as much as I believe these things wholeheartedly about others, that sentiment of beauty hasn't quite penetrated my own being. I never quite realized the depth of my own lack of self-worth until recently. I say "depth" because it extends even to my early childhood, when the foundation stone of my belief system was set. A simple statement based on simple childhood observations that continues to penetrate my thoughts and define my self-worth even to this present moment.

When this conclusion was made, I was advised to break down that foundation stone, then let everything above that settle gently down. Everything that has built upon that initial stone is so important, because it makes me who I am, but that initial negative statement needs to go.

I don't know if any of this is making sense, but that's where I am right now. I am learning how to live, thrive, and love myself. I think that's also part of the "I Am" project. Defining who we are. Discovering how beautiful we each are as individuals.

For more information and my progress with this topic, visit the apple a day blog.

Learning that I am an 8 cow wife.

Sister T is from the islands, and contrary to popular belief (read: from my prior knowledge of island life from this short movie, Johnny Lingo), there are no cows on her island. Still, after 18 months of living in Tennessee, she is astounded when she sees a single cow, let alone a pasture full of them (see below).

We watched this tonight, and while she got a huge laugh out of how ridiculous it is (and drooled a little when she saw the ocean), I discovered how beautiful this movie is. It rang more true to me now than ever before. Perhaps its the southern-weight-gain, or the eternal exhaustion, but sometimes I just need to remind myself a little more diligently that I am a beautiful woman-- that I am, indeed, an 8-cow-(future)-wife.

regaining my bearings

Hello We Are Women!

I have been remiss in blog updating here in this wonderful space, and I am sorry. Coming back to the blog, I want to share with you all a quick conversation I had with a fabulous friend from Nigeria, Ifeyinwa Egwaoje. You see, as I have landed back in the United States for a brief few weeks, where the problems for women are in some ways so different, and in others just the same, I always get into a hyper-reflection mode as to what is to be done to end needless suffering of women worldwide. The conversation I had with Ifeyinwa exemplified to me this global struggle, and how certain cultural nuances may make it seem that our challenges are worlds apart, the underlying issues remain the same.

So. Ifeyinwa and I were sitting in a Motherhood Advocacy conference in Toronto, listening to a presentation on "Mocha Moms," an support network for black women in the US who choose to be stay-at-home moms, a choice very much frowned upon in many black communities in the US for a variety of reasons. Ifeyinwa turned to me at the end and whispered, "but isn't this exactly what we're fighting against? Moms who just stay at home?"

I responded - "no! We are fighting for a woman's right to choose what path she will take, and be fully respected in that path - to not be seen as "just" a stay-at-home mom, and to not be derided for going to work either."

She thought for a moment and said..."but in Nigeria we have to show our worth to our husbands by getting a good education, by building a career - you are treated better by your husbands if you do that. You are looked down upon if you stay at home. You can be seen as worthless."

And then I realized, how often do women in the US feel worthless? How often do we have to question and justify and balance forces and influences around us? I look at friends of mine constantly questioning themselves based on their style, the behavior of their children, the life choices they made, their boyfriends/husbands or lack of boyfriends/husbands, and perhaps most prevalently - what they ate today and what their clothing size says. A lot of this has to do with the treatment we fell we will receive from men in our lives, and the judgments we feel could come in from others (including other women). Just like Nigerian women who have to fight for their worth by leaving the home. A lot of it is also a matter of self-justification. Even if no one cares or notices or expects us to be a size 2 or to be perfectly balanced with a clean home and perfect children or a stellar career, we feel we have to prove that to ourselves in some way. We question ourselves incessantly, and I write this to say that ENOUGH!

Enough with feeling we have to justify our worth! We are women! We have worth inherent! We have nothing to prove! We are women! Shout it to the world! Spend today celebrating your powerful womanhood, the uniqueness of that gift of being a woman, of our gorgeous bodies and our incredible potentials, and stop questioning and justifying and feeling you are not enough. You are more! You are woman!

Self-Worth: Welcome Back Old Friend

I’m sure it comes as no surprise to you that I am working through some “self-worth” issues as of late. (You can read more about them here, here, and here.) Needless to say, the changes my body, mind, and spirit have been experiencing have been eye opening and sometimes scary. I wish I had a better sense of who I am to not be so effected by it all but the truth is, I am still figuring it all out.

Today, I am not going to talk about all the insecurities that seem to plague me, but tell you how I have been working through them. Yes, that is right. I have been working through them. And just the act of picking myself up, making a decision of the direction I want to head in, and working toward it, has restored a sense of self-worth that I once felt and have since lost. (Yes, lost, but lost things can be found again.)

Can I tell you what changed in me? I remembered that I have the ability to change. I do. Yes, I was born with certain tendencies and personality characteristics. Some of those I hold dear to my heart. I embrace those things that I feel make me unique. But some things are not so lovely. Before I realized that I don’t have to keep those things I don’t like, it was rather depressing to think “I am lazy. It is just who I am. I am scared. It is just the way it has to be. I hate my body. But that is life.” But it doesn’t have to be that way. Those things that I hate seeing stare me down in the mirror don’t need to be that way forever. I can change. The ability is there; I just need to make the choice to do it.

A few weeks ago I took a step back and looked at the things that have been nibbling at my self-worth. And instead of just accepting my fate as something I didn’t like, I decided that I could stop it now. Can I get a little specific?

Physically, I was not happy or comfortable. So, I called a friend who said she liked to run and we made some plans. We would meet at 6am and run together. Some days it works and some days it doesn’t. But the fresh air, the exercise, the attention to my physical well-being has brought a sense of accomplishment to my life. No, I have not lost the baby weight but I feel a tiny piece of my self-worth becoming my friend again.

And making that one choice to change what I didn’t like had a domino effect; all the sudden I was paying attention again to what foods I was bringing into my body, how much water I was drinking, and how much sleep I was getting. Billy and I started to make changes, throwing out the foods that were simply empty calories and replacing them with veggies and hummas, fruits, and whole grain foods. And guess who was knocking at my door? Another part of that lost self-worth.

There are more changes that I have been bringing into my life: finally dressing to fit not only my personality but my body type, taking a photography class to relearn old, forgotten skills, organizing my house, putting my whole heart into church responsibilities, and flossing my teeth. The list goes on. With every change I make, whether it is starting to do something new or bringing back things I used to do but have since let slip from my mind, I feel stronger, prouder, and more able to continue to make changes and become the person I have the ability to be.

There are still so many times that I fall short of what I feel I should do. And some days, I struggle to get back up. But with the help of a husband who loves me for who I am and sees what I can become, and the support of friends and family who are patient and remind me of what I can do, I get back up and do those hard things that make me proud to be me.

(Thank you all for letting me share myself with you. It is not always easy but has meant so much to me!)

I Should Know Better By Now

I have a beautiful baby girl.

I have a creative, inspiring, tender husband.

I live in a colorful, happy home.

I have talents that I am discovering and developing.

I have organized friends into a book club so we can read and talk, two things I love dearly.

I live near friends and family who shower me with love and support.

I believe in a Father in Heaven who knows me personally and loves me.

And yet I still spend too much time feeling ashamed of how I look.

And worrying about what others think about me and how I look.

I should know better by now but apparently I don't.

I read this post today.

It's a part of a series.

"Real beauty is the confidence that comes with knowing that you are the only you, embracing that unique you, andsharing you with the world.

A few months ago I decided to stop comparing myself to what I was "supposed" to be, and just decided to be me, and I found my real beauty." (Nina from MammaGoRound)

I felt that I could find my beauty.

The beauty that is seen and the beauty that is unseen.

It's there.

It always has been.

I just need to find it and nourish it until I feel it in every part of who I am.

on the individual

this past weekend, i attended a musical get-together. a group of students all packed together in a tiny little living room, trading off roles of audience and performer. it looked like a typical group of students; people i see on campus every day. however, after about ten minutes i realized something.

yes, these were typical students, but they were incredible.

many who took the spotlight that night were women. and time after time, it hit me how incredible these women are. every voice was different, every original piece (there were many) was just that - completely original, nothing exactly like it.

as women, we face temptation of social comparison. it's rampant among us today, and the most distorting mirror we can look through. when looking at a group of us {women} together, we may all look typical enough. but that's exactly the danger of comparing. at the open mic night, each woman had the chance to be an individual, to set herself apart, to be untypical. it was truly a beautiful experience.

watching these unique and individual women helped me look at women {and people, in general} in a very different way. i would have passed any of those women on campus or at the grocery store and thought, "oh yeah, they're just like me, just like all the other girls in this ordinary town." but under the typical appearance of twenty-something years old and medium-length brown hair, most of the women in that room were musical geniuses with unique talent and rare creative gifts. gifts that are very different from mine and different from each other, too.

i understood in my heart that night what i've known in my mind - that we are each unique, each individual, and each given gifts that no one else has. it's impossible to recognize that individuality while looking only at a collective. i get caught up in a mindset studying the social sciences - people become numbers: a sample, a population, a trend. but i've recognized the wrongness in that kind of thinking.

we are individual. as women, we all have absolutely unique gifts. recognizing those gifts in ourselves and others is important to our relationship with ourselves and everyone around us. so, i invite you to do two things: 1) make a list of your unique gifts. what are a few things that make you incredible? 2) get to know someone new. this night reminded me how different people are from each other and from the way i initially perceive them to be. have a conversation - find out someone's story!

next, leave a comment so we can all share the experience!

here's my list:

i love to experiment with food - my creations are unique and yummy!

and this week i've been getting to know a new roommate - with truly a unique perspective on life. she's a math major and english minor and we share a deep love of granola. she's one of the most peaceful (yet passionate) people i've ever met!

now... what's your story?