Don't Forget

photo by gary barnes

Note to Self: 

The more you love your decisions, 

the less you need others to love them.

"Choosing Happiness" and Clinical Depression

photo by gary barnes

I've heard it a billion times: you have to merely decide to be happy and then you will be. I wanted to agree. I wanted to be on that rosy colored boat with those happy people, loving life, feeling good, but it was a concept that I couldn't fully grasp. I knew that there was a deeper reason why true happiness appeared just out of reach for me. So I remained on the shoreline and let that boat go on without me.

But as time has gone on, and as I have experienced different depths of depression-- and in turn, tried different ways to pull myself out of that depression-- I realize that I can still choose happiness, in a way. There are just a few more steps involved in that process.

(Continue reading after the jump)

Frida Kahlo and Infertility

The more I learn about Mexican folk artist Frida Kahlo, the more I am in awe of her and her life. As a teenager she was in a streecar accident in which she was impaled by a handrail through her hip/abdomen. Not only was this a traumatic incident in itself, but it was also connected to multiple miscarriages that she later suffered. She was never able to bear children, an aspect of her life she honestly, openly, and even violently portrayed in her art.

The Two Fridas, 1939

More art after the jump.

Dragging my feet, but getting it done

I used to run. Ok, not really run. More like jog. Slow jog. And it was fun. I mean, I enjoyed it well enough. I would go out around 9pm on warm summer evenings, just when it had gotten dark. The air was perfect, no sun in my eyes, just going. Pepper spray in fist (or bra), of course. A nice big loop around a few blocks, then back home to stretch. It was therapeutic. I have fond memories.

However, these fond memories have been tainted by a single 5k I did in the summer of 2010. I had the worst shin splints ever, but I still wanted to try to run. I remember feeling like knives were stabbing my shins with every step. It was hell. When I finally finished, I plopped down on the curb to try to rub out my shins in vain. I bypassed the free food and went straight home, probably to ice my shins for the rest of the day. Woe was me.

I've gone on a handful of jogs since then, but nothing lasted. If I felt any sort of strain in my calves or shins, I was out. Done. Never again.

But I don't want to be limited. I don't want to admit defeat to running, to my body.

And so here I am again. New running shoes. Slowly pacing myself. Rubbing down my shins after every lap on a track. You know.

Last month I quietly signed up for another 5k. I didn't tell anyone for a while, and still do not plan on telling anyone when or where it is. I just want to do it. Just for me. Just to prove to myself that I can do it, and furthermore, enjoy it. I'll be sure to let you know how it goes!

In the meantime, what is a fear or obstacle that you have conquered? Share your experiences in the comment section below.

The Demon Barber of Fleet Street...?

If there's one thing I learned from the musical/movie Sweeney Todd (and there is basically just one thing I learned from it), it's that nothing is simply black and white. I heard someone state the opposite this morning, and my skin has been crawling ever since (it could also be because I had a large Diet Coke for breakfast, but I'm going to keep it with the moral issue at hand).

As probably everyone knows, Sweeney Todd was a barber who, out of revenge, became a serial killer. Not a very pleasant plot. But he started out as a really reasonable guy. He had a wife and daughter who he loved dearly, a profession that he excelled at, and everything was just peachy. If you took the black and white approach to things, either: Todd was justified to kill all those people because he had to get his revenge; or Todd was a terrible man and the worst person ever to live. You see the problem here? There is no black and white.

on conquering bad habits

A little while ago I wrote about my bad habit and dare I say addiction to watching TV. It was out of control and honestly, taking over important parts of my life. I needed to change but was unsure where to start. Over the last few months, little articles and things have been making their way into my life, leaving marks and giving me ideas and courage to live my life with intention and purpose. It has been hard but the benefits have been very obvious. I wanted to share some ideas of things that have helped me.

+I watched this talk about how tv affects our brains and the development of children's brains. Millie wasn't watching a lot of TV by herself or anything but I always had something on in the background. This really made me think about what it could be doing to her development and how I have the power to spend more quality time with her.

+I read this and this about turning off all the noise and distractions and finding time for the things we love. This was difficult. Being a stay at home mom with a child who can't really talk to me gets a little lonely. I constantly had the radio/Pandora on or something on Netflix playing in the background just to make me feel a little less isolated. When I tried to turn off the noise for at least a few hours during the day my head started to clear up and I found that Millie was talking to me. I can't understand a word of her baby jibberish but that jibberish has meaning to her. So now, without all the distractions of TV, music, phones, we have our own little conversations.

Those things really laid the ground work for me. Then it was time to take action.

+I decided that I would not turn on the computer until Millie went down for her first nap, usually around noon. That can be a long time to entertain a child so I put more of an effort in going to our neighborhood work out (I have lost weight because of it too, another plus) or to take Millie on a walk. She is very observant so the walks are fun for her and me, along with the sunshine and fresh air that we are both in need of.

+When I was little and I would be scared of something or have bad thoughts, my mom taught me to push those bad thoughts out by replacing it with something happy. So... instead of just not watching anything and being drowned by the quite while I was doing the dishes or cleaning, I turned music on. Now, I know that I said before that I tried to turn all the distractions off. What I meant was that instead of always having some sort of noise in the house, to let there be some time of just our noise (talking, laughing, singing, reading). But during those times when I am most tired and worn out, I tried to fill it with something fun, like good music to dance to or that uplifts. (My favorite radio stations on Pandora are Rachel Portman Radio, Disney Radio, St. Vincent Radio, Ingrid Michaelson Radio, and Beirut Radio.) This made it so that I didn't have to feel so lonely and tired at the hardest time of day (the hour before Billy gets home and I am working on dinner and Millie just wants me to hold her and I just really want to sit on the couch and eat ice cream).

+With the same idea, I tried to not just veg out in front of the TV. I tried to make sure that, at least a couple of nights a week I veg out with a good book. Much more pleasant.

+Interesting enough, when I started to be more aware of what I was doing throughout the day, it has made the night time easier. I have not stayed up for hours by myself watching silly TV shows like I was. I feel more satisfied throughout the day, having spent quality time making Millie laugh and playing in the dirt with her, and more time talking and just being with Billy. I have not been overwhelmed with the need to veg out for hours upon hours while the world peacefully slept.. (Maybe a couple hours but not until 2am like it was before.)

I don't want you to think that I think I have it all figured out and that you should do exactly what I do. Different things work for different people. Millie still watches Dora when I just can't take the whining anymore and I have to get something done. I stayed up until midnight last night watching Pollyanna (I love that movie). But the point in all of this is that I believe we can change. It has hard and takes  time (sometimes our whole lives) but we can take those bad habits and turn them into good ones. Now I am a much happier mother, a more attentive wife, and more satisified in this great life that I have been given.

What things work for you?

Resources: Stay Strong + HalfofUs.com

Last night I found some links that I wanted to pass on to you, primarily more information about depression and other similar conditions.

Demi Lovato's "Stay Strong," where she addresses her struggles with healthy eating, depression, self-harm, substance abuse, and ultimately rehab. (Yes, I got to it through Perez Hilton. Whatever works). Regardless of whether or not you have struggled with any of these issues, this is a very inspiring documentary for all women. If you have a few minutes, you should definitely watch it.

In the middle of the videos, there was a link for halfofus.com. I wish everyone knew about this campaign. If you have even a minute to spare, please jump on the website and watch even a single PSA. So many people don't understand depression, and therefore don't know how to help those around them, or even themselves. I believe this campaign is essential in increasing the public's understanding of these issues.

Interview: Fat-Activist Jenn Leyva

I'm a huge proponent of modesty. I prefer baggy over tight, no midriff over exposed, long jeans over daisy dukes. I believe that the human body is sacred, and should be treated as such.

And even more so, modesty hides my belly pooch. Win-win.

But when I found out that an old friend of mine, Jenn Leyva, had become quite a prominent "fat activist," primarily through her blog "Fat and the Ivy," but also in outlets like the Huffington Post, I decided that honesty may override modesty in this case. Maybe I should be honest with my belly pooch and love it for what it is! (I'm cringing at the thought. Obviously I'm not there yet).

Friends, brace yourselves. Today we will be talking about our bodies.

photo by liz naiden

I recently sat down with Jenn to ask her some questions about her work as a "fat activist." Here is what she had to say:

Interview after the jump:

Info for DV Victims

"Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone that you love and think loves you in return." 

- California Senator Dianne Feinstein

Over the next few weeks, I'll be participating in a domestic violence counselor training program. In turn, I wanted to pass some information onto you, faithful blog readers. I hope that these few bits of information will come in handy if, heaven forbid, you ever find yourself or a friend in the grasp of domestic violence.

Victims of domestic violence come from all age groups, religions, ethnicities, socioeconomic levels, sexual orientations... no one is exempt. Below is a common model used in identifying certain aspects of domestic violence.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, it is important to remember that it is not your fault. It's also important to remember that help is available.

One of the most basic precautions you can take is to develop a safety plan. It doesn't require any drastic changes immediately, but it is a plan that helps you be prepared if the situation takes a turn for the worst. The RAINN organization offers a great outline here to help you make a safety plan.

Here are some 24-hour emergency hotlines to take note of:

San Diego, CA:
YWCA: 619-234-3164
San Diego DV Hotline: (888) DV-LINKS / (888) 385-4657


Salt Lake City, UT:
Utah Department of Human Services: 800-897-5465


Provo, UT:
Center for Women and Children in Crisis: 801-377-5500


National: The Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

What will you give?

What can I do when I am not financially able 

to donate to a good cause?

That thought crossed my mind a billion times when I came across the website Running with Lisa, dedicated to a beautiful, radiant mother-of-four who is currently battling a brain tumor. They were able to remove half of the tumor through surgery (sucking dry their once-reliable savings account), but now face the coming weeks of radiation and chemotherapy. Four days of a prescribed medication cost over $1000! I can't even imagine. That, plus four kids, running a home while her husband goes to work, and praying for the treatments to show results... Goodness. What a woman! And still, she glows.

There are countless families in similar situations, needing so much, and having so little. And in return, there are countless individuals like me who want to give everything to the cause, but realistically can't do that.

Maybe for the next couple weeks, I will to run at least a little bit, everyday, for Lisa. Maybe I will be a little more conscious in my life, a little more grateful, for Lisa. Maybe I will smile at a stranger, hug a friend, or write a love note, for Lisa.

And maybe I'll be able to set aside a few dollars for the cause, as well.

What are you willing to give for a good cause?

*For more ideas of how to serve others, check out This Mama Makes Stuff, particularly her section on giving. A lot of the ideas involve her kids as well. Family involvement? Even better.

Update: Information is now posted for the 5k Fun Run for Lisa, which will take place on April 21, 2012 at 9am in Midway, Utah. The prices are very reasonable, and of course, go toward a wonderful cause. There is also a pancake breakfast (free for runners, $5 for others), and they're also looking for volunteers to help with the race. This is a great opportunity to serve.

Dilemma.

"Do what you love. Love what you do."

Such a simple phrase! So catchy!
And you can buy it on a sticker! A mug! A mousepad!

 
But, as with so many things, it's much easier said than done. And when it's done, it boils down to: the only thing I've ever kept up with is music. And second to that, there's my major in family science, which basically means I'll probably end up with a career that sends me home every night heartbroken and wanting to adopt 20,000 babies.

Throughout adolesence, I dabbled with Campfire Girls, Brownies, ballet, basketball, piano lessons... and goodness, the list could go on forever. So many clubs, so many activities, only lasting maybe a day, or a semester, at the most. There were even those times when I showed up for tryouts before remembering that I had no coordination (hip hop dance team) or always looked like I was drowning (swim team).

This is embarrassing.

So what's a girl to do when any hobby that remotely lasts a substantial period of time is not in the least lucrative?

What gives me hope is that there are actually some people who find that balance in life, and they make it work! Like Jordan of Oh Happy Day! or Courtney of C. Jane Enjoy It! or Sarah Jane with her beautiful illustrations! (Side note: I'm considering this as my year-theme. And when I say "considering," I mean I just need to send it off to Kinkos to print and it's a done deal.)



And now my question for you:

How have you found that balance?
How have you learned to "do what you love" and "love what you do"?
Leave your thoughts in the comments. In the words of the musical ensemble OutKast:
"Lend me some sugar! I am your neighbor! (Ow!)" 



J.K. Rowling on Failure and Imagination

A few years ago, I watched this speech given by J.K. Rowling at the 2008 Harvard Commencement (I wasn't there... I just saw it online) and I have not been able to forget it. She is a powerful, creative writer and a talented speaker. I admire her for what she has done with her life, even with hardships and disappointment. (You can also read it here.)

Source: Harvard Magazine