06 March 2012

new things

(Photo taken in Munich, Germany fall of 2007)

I was never much of a believer when it came to yoga. I liked the idea of it. It seemed people who really did it loved it but I just couldn't seem to love it. I thought it was boring and silly... holding my hands in the air and trying to breath slowly. It could have been because I took the class that was at 8:30am during my last semester or that we did the same positions every time. But I just didn't feel like it made any difference.

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My pregnancy with Millie is not what you would call a good experience. I was throwing up 5-10 times a day for the first five months and was still sick for the rest. I had kidney stones and had to do an at home IV for three weeks. Even when things started to settle down my body just didn't like being pregnant. It resented me for the 20 pounds it lost when I was sick and then jumping into weight gain so quickly. It struggled with the ups and the downs.

Not only was it very hard on me physically, it took a big toll on me mentally and spiritually. How could I be a mother when I could hardly survive the pregnancy? Others made me feel as though I was being weak and needed to just be happy that I was having a baby. I was happy and grateful. But I was also tired and so sick. I wanted this to be a spiritual experience. I wanted to not be so bitter and hurt and sick. And oh how guilty I felt for those feelings that I had.

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I want to have another baby.


I love Millie more than I could have imagined. Even with all the struggles and how long it took me to "feel like myself" again, I would do it again for her. And hope to but for another little soul.


But I am scared. If I have to struggle just like last time than so be it but those were hard months of pregnancy and yes, hard months of recovery that I feel like I have only just emerged from.


I have seriously questioned whether or not I have the courage to do it all over again.


But I want to have another baby.

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In an attempt to do everything in my power to make the next pregnancy a good experience, I have been trying to get out of my comfort zone and do things that I would have never considered had I had a better pregnancy. I started to going to a yoga class my friend teaches. I work hard at focusing and breathing and have actually fallen in love with it all. I now see the benefits.

Yesterday I went to a massage therapist who also works with stress management skills that are a little out of the ordinary. It was a deeply emotional and spiritual experience for me. I feel like I have started to identify some things that need to be worked through to help me let good change happen. All these fears that have consumed me don't have to consume me anymore.

There is much to do still but I feel hope and empowerment, something that I realize now I have not felt often enough.

This year I have a resolution to try new things. To get out there and do things that are hard. This was one of those things.

3 comments:

AyOhKayla said...

YEA ALICIA!!!! I'm so glad you are finding things that give you peace, and comfort about being a mother, and the wonderful person you are! I think you had every right to feel the way you did about your first pregnancy. Its hard on you in every aspect, but i'm also so glad that you are taking that trial and making it a stength! You are so inspiring to me and i'm sure everyone who reads your posts! Keep it up! :)

Allison said...

Alicia, I LOVE this! Ahh I love our goals for the year, they make me so excited! And if you are pregnant during the 2012-2013 school year, I will come up from Provo as often as I can and watch little Millie while you sleep, relax, yoga, etc.!

Allison said...
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