on grief

I believe it’s been almost a month since I (Alicia) have written anything here. And I haven’t done anything on my personal blog for a while either. I miss it. I miss writing, having to sort out what is going on in my head and my life. I miss sharing things with you.

The gap was due to busyness (Billy took a whole week off for my birthday), laziness (I spent a week watching Murder, She Wrote and reading Mary Higgins Clark mysteries), and grief.

With only a few weeks left of the pregnancy, my sister and her husband’s baby, Calvin, passed away suddenly. To say it has been heart breaking doesn’t seem to do it justice.

While I have known others to go through the pain of a stillborn, I have not been there to see or feel the heartbreak. But now my heart hurts. It hurts for my sister and her husband and what they have lost.

But not lost forever. We believe that families can be together forever. And that even though they must part with their sweet baby for a time, he is theirs and they are his forever and ever.

And yet, there is still the pain of grief. For all of us. And it seems we are all dealing with it in different ways. But something that I did not expect was the sense of peace we have all come to have. There is a feeling that everything is alright. After the graveside service, while Billy and I were talking about what a wonderful service it was, we both felt that it was not the right thing to say that they lost their baby. The joy of being his parents has only been postponed.

There is still a sadness that we all can feel that I believe won’t go away for some time. My heart hurts that my sister can’t have that baby to cuddle and love. I don’t want them to have to wait to have another baby. I don’t want them to be so scared the next time that the same thing will happen again. And I know that these next few months will be especially hard on my sister and her husband. They must live with the reality of what has happened.

Last week, while I was really struggling to find a sense of peace, Allie sent me some links that I would like to share with you. The first is an article with some tips of how to help someone who suffers a loss. This was really good for me to read because I was struggling so much to know what to do to help. Do I call or let them be? It also seemed that everyone was buying them something as a remembrance of Calvin. At first it seemed almost silly. I didn’t want to buy them a necklace or a picture: I wanted to give them their baby back. But to see that those little things, while they cannot replace their child, can help them hold that baby in their hearts, was a big help and comfort for me.

The next are some blogs of people who have lost children and how they have come to find peace in it all (here and here). I especially like this episode of The Generations Project where Natalie finds some peace about what happened through learning about those who came before her.

Thank you to everyone who has stepped up and shown their love. Even those of you who have never met my sister or her husband. Thank you for everything you have done, every prayer you have said, and all the hugs that have been given.

What has helped you through grief?